A while back I posed a question to my Facebook community; self indulgence vs. self care, compare, contrast, and discuss. Citations required. Don't worry if you didn't add a bibliography to your answer, it was only 5% of your grade, you can pass without it. I had an answer in mind when I posted it, I just wanted to know everyone else's opinions and thoughts.
The response I received was underwhelming. Mostly single sentence answers like, "take care of yourself vs. treat yo self."They also likened the phrase self indulgence with the idea of over indulgence, which I do not think is really true. Needless to say, everyone failed the assignment and was asked to see me after class. ...Then I remembered that it was not a real class and I am not a teacher and it was Facebook so those grades did not matter.
The reason the response I got was so underwhelming, I think, is we don't have a very good concept of what self care is. We, Americans in particular, see it primarily as being self indulgent. I think it stems from the fact that we still have a pretty negative view of the whole mental health world so taking time to heal and treat a fake disease seems... well... self indulgent. It does not help that the internet is full of poor definitions of self care. We have this idea that self care is all wine, chocolate, and bubble baths. Or curling up wrapped in our favorite blanket watching our favorite "feel better movie" and waiting for the blues to go away. That is not self care. That is self indulgence. Do not get me wrong, a level of indulgence is care and is good for you. As an introvert and a fairly busy person I HAVE to indulge in some relaxing at least once a week and let myself alone in the quietness of my own world. I also have to get out from under my blanket from time to time and wash a dish, fold some laundry, and eat more than cold pizza and chocolate cake. That is what self care really is. It is literally taking time to take care of yourself, physically and mentally.
2018 started off kind of rocky for me, mostly because 2017 ended in some particularly troubled waters and the new year is arbitrary so you cannot just decide at the end of the old year that those things don't hurt you anymore (new year new you? no way.). Because of my choices and the choices of others my mental health and my view of myself dropped drastically. When I was not completely overwhelmed by emotions I was either numb or actually dissociating, which I do not recommend. It was not a healthy place to be. I regret a lot of my actions during that particular phase of my mental health journey, though if it hadn't been for that I might never have gone to the doctor and learned that I was actually very sick so you never know what comes out of what. Normally I am very good at self care. I take care of the things I need to take care of in order to keep my stress and anxiety at manageable levels, I exercise, I feed myself healthy things, I know that messes make it difficult for me to focus so I keep my spaces clean and mostly organized. I also know that feeling like I am just treading water and not going anywhere stresses me out so I make a lot of lists of my goals, both big and manageable, and try to live with intention and up to my expectations but no one else's. That is how I view self care and normally it works for me but it wasn't. I did not understand why it wasn't working for me at the beginning of the year.
Self care does not look the same for everyone or for every stage of an individual's life. We all need different things. At the end of 2017 my mental health had dropped so suddenly and so drastically that the level of care I had maintained for years was not enough. It was not the level of care I needed. My mind, my heart, my creativity all needed a higher level of care at the time. It took me months to figure out that I wasn't "bouncing back" to who I thought I was because I needed a higher level of care. I needed to be nurturing myself so I could grow back to where I had been before.
So, what is the difference? Nurture vs Care?
In most ways they are the same thing. They are both about taking care of yourself so you can grow. To me it is the difference between an oak tree and a seedling. One is sturdy. It needs to be given sunlight and water and maybe food. What do trees eat? The other needs those things too and it needs something extra. It needs to be protected from the elements and given special care. You would not throw an orchid into your outside garden in the middle of winter. It would die.Gardeners have to get those plants to a point where they can survive in the environment and not every plant is going to survive in the same elements. At the same time it is about balance. Too much water in a pot and the plant will die. Not enough, same result. If you baby yourself too much you will never grow, you will never be ready to be out in the elements and eventually become stunted and root-bound.
Balance. Self care, just like life, is all about balance. I had to find the balance between pushing myself to grow and giving myself the space to grow. Balance between forcing myself to exercise and wash a dish (care), and eating cheesecake for dinner (indulge), and having an occasional massage or growing through my art (nurturing).
Self indulgence can be self care, self nurturing can be indulgence. To me, it seems that the most important thing is to find out what elements you thrive in and what is going to help you grow in confidence and self-awareness as well as in mental and physical health. Then just do it. Do the things that will help you be the best version of yourself.
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