As Published in Unacceptable Behavior
Before starting your movie you must decide on a film. This in itself is a difficult process. In order to choose a movie you must stand in front of the shelf. Always stand and never sit in front of your movies because you do not want to become too comfortable where you are and not move when the movie viewing begins. If at all possible keep your movies on a shelf that is tall enough that you have to stand to see all of your options.
While you are standing in front of the shelf you should begin to peruse your genre options. (Note: If the movies you are selecting from are not divided into genres then your endeavor is doomed to failure and you must stop and organize them before proceeding. Organize them so that “Man Movies” are grouped toward the top, “Chick Flicks” are below that and VHS/”Kids Movies” are at the very bottom. There are no movies that fall outside of these three genres.) Decide on what genre you are most interested in. Do not announce the genre you have decided on.
Have you chosen your genre? If not please take a moment to do so.
During January my college did a special one month long semester called Jan-Term. Jan-Term was a one or two class intensive “semester” in which students did a weeks’ worth of one class every day. It may sound awful but as a freshmen my Jan-term schedule was” sleep until 10, go to breakfast and make a fool of myself in front of a boy I thought was cute, do the minimum amount of homework, go to class at one, get out of class at four and spend the rest of my day in shenanigans with my friends. That month my friends Amanda, Emily, and I decided the best way to spend Friday nights was watching the most epic “Man Movie” we could find in one of our guy friends dorm rooms. We titled the evening Man Movie Fridays. The most difficult part of Jan-term was that we insisted on watching the movie in a boy’s room but have no boys present.
The first Man Movie Friday we watched Gladiator in Ricky Blake’s room. The three of us spent the evening cuddled up in Ricky and his roommate’s blankets enjoying the sweet smell of a pair of boys that were surprisingly clean. We stayed cuddled under those blankets for almost an hour after the movie ended. We had started out discussing the plot but quickly moved to the posters on the walls, the arrangement of furniture, and the open bible on one of the couches. We read the highlighted verses and discussed what they told us about Ricky until we decided that our behavior was highly inappropriate and that, even though neither Ricky nor his roommate was home at the time, we had overstayed our welcome.
Once your genre has been selected you may begin choosing a movie. You should start at the top left corner of the genre you are choosing from (Note: If the genre you have selected is VHS/“Kids Movies” then you must begin at the bottom right and work your way up). Read the first title that interests you out loud. It will feel silly but do it anyway. While you read pull the box out exactly one quarter of an inch. Repeat this until you reach the end of your genre. (Note: Please use your discretion. Do not pull out every movie on the shelf.) Go through the movies you chose, silently, and push any that no longer sound interesting back to their original position on the shelf.
Have you narrowed down your selection? If not please take a moment to do so.
When I was little the local movie rental store was more expensive than my parents though it should be so my family bought most of our movies. Our VHS collection took up the same amount of space as the sliding glass door. Half the tapes were recorded “boot leg” videos packed three or four onto the same tape. The titles were scrawled on in my mother’s cramped handwriting. These were the movies my mom and I would choose from my junior year of high school when my dad worked nights.
One day in spring when it was my turn to choose the movie I had pulled out three movie options before starting to cry. I felt like I had no life and was sick of watching movies all the time, it did not help that I had watched two different movies in class that day. Mom and I went out to dinner instead and lamented the fact that we were paying for a private school where I only watched movies.
The next step is to decide on the exact film to watch. This is where the selection process gets tricky. Up until this moment you have been working independently but if you are going to watch the movie with more than just your imaginary friends then you will to ask your companions for their opinions. (Note: Your imaginary friends might want some input in the movie selection as well; you shouldn’t just assume that they want to watch the same thing you want to watch.) When asking your companions for their opinion you should read each title in a smooth, even, tone and immediately discard any option that more than three people say no to. If you are totally by yourself or your imaginary friends fully trust your judgment then you may skip that last step. If you cannot skip this test then please insist that all members of the party, including the imaginary ones, have an opinion because there is nothing more annoying than someone refuses to have an opinion but complains during the entire movie.
Have you selected your movie? If not, please take a moment to do so.
The first movie I saw in theaters without my parents took place on the day that later became known as the afternoon of miracles. My best friend and I were hanging out when my parents needed to go run a few errands. Their errands included a trip to Costco and Office Depot. They decided that instead of dragging us around Port Orchard with them to give Crystal and me $25.00 and drop us off at the local theater. A two hour movie seemed to be the perfect amount of time to entertain the two of us while they shopped.
Crystal and I made it to the theater just in time to watch 102 Dalmatians. We were 12. It was between “102 Dalmatians” and “Rugrats in Paris.” I don’t remember why we chose the movie we did but it followed the same process from the previous section. What really wanted out of the movie experience was popcorn. Since we always watched movies with our families popcorn was a rare treat.
After ordering our popcorn Crystal and I counted out our change. Just like many twelve year olds often do. We were a dollar short. “Oh well… never mind,” we both muttered. We were about to leave the counter and the dream of popcorn behind us when a long, grown up, arm reached over our heads and plopped a twenty down.
“Add their popcorn to my order.” We thanked the man, with two small children of his own, several times before running into the theater.
It was an afternoon of miracles.
Push the movies that did not make the cut back so they are even with the rest of the movies on the shelf and pull the box of the winning movie out. This is best done by grasping the box between the thumb and fore-finger of your right hand and bending your elbow so that the box slides toward you. Be careful not to pull with too much force or something horrible could happen, inexperienced movie watchers have been known to lose an eye when not using caution. (Note: those who have no experience with removing a movie box from a shelf should wear protective eye wear on their first attempt it may seem ridiculous but safety first)
Now that you have the box in hand maneuver it so the thin part with the title is away from you and the thin side with the crack is facing you, also grasp the box with both hands at this point, there are technical terms for these but I saw no need to use them in case there was any confusion, and prepare to open the Box with your thumbs the same way you would open a book only with a little more force (Note: if you have no experience opening a book then you really should practice that a little before you are ready to watch a movie) the box should pop open but if it does not there is a chance that it is either still in its protective packaging or worse one of the DVD boxes with pointless clips on the side that no one likes but exist anyway, if the box does not open take a moment to examine the box to identify which problem you have (Note: if neither seems to be the problem but the box still does not open then hand the box to a companion and request that they open it for you, if you are alone then the box’s stubborn refusal to open is best taken as divine intervention and should choose a different movie).
Those who have their box open may ignore the next paragraph.
If the source of your box opening troubles is the protective packaging then rotate the DVD box in your hands while simultaneously clawing the shrink wrap into tiny bits. If the source of your difficulty is the tiny, annoying, clips that no one likes then the solution is much more difficult. First you hold the box in the same way you did when removing the box from the shelf, if you cannot remember how then take this opportunity to review that section, only this time you should hold it with your left hand and you wrist in a U shape so you can see the side of the box with the clips that nobody asked for in the first place. Using you’re the thumb on your right hand un-snap the top clip then, and this is the tricky part, use the same thumb to un-snap the bottom clip. Now you are free to open the box but before you do it might be best to tear the stupid plastic clips off the box so as to avoid this problem in the future. Now resume the box opening position and open the box.
Do you have your box open? If not please take a moment to do so now.
The first movie I saw “with a boy” was also an accident. All of Matt and I’s “dates” were accidents, at least as far as I was concerned. They were accidents because for all three of them I was unaware that they were dates. That’s an exaggeration, I knew that prom was a date but I did not it was a date date.
I went to see the newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with my friends Sarah, Erin, Matt, and Luke. Luke was Sarah’s date, Erin’s boyfriend could not make it, and Matt was my date, once again I did not know this at the time. Half an hour into the movie Matt hurled a piece of popcorn a me that hit me squarely in the cheek.
I am not now and never have been the kind of person who takes an assault and does not retaliate. Most of my retaliation would also be considered escalation. So I chucked my own handful of popcorn back at him. Thus began the great popcorn battle of 2007.
The battle raged on in a ninja-esque style until I picked up his half empty bag of popcorn and dumped it on his head. I turned to Erin, who was on the other side of me. “Erin can I borrow your popcorn?” I whispered “I had to throw mine.”
Now that you have the box open you should remove the DVD carefully (Note: there is no good way to remove a DVD so it will be best if you just wing it) while you remove the DVD you must find the open/close button on the DVD player and push it. A small tray should slide out but if it does not then keep trying buttons until it does. Discard the box and turn on the T.V. (Note: this is most easily accomplished my pressing the power button on the television set). Place the DVD picture side up in the tray and push the open/close button again. While the tray closes be sure that all of your companions, imaginary or otherwise know understand that once the movie starts no questions will be tolerated and all interrupters will be banished from the room. Also remind them that once the movie starts it will not be stopped for anything short of an emergency and if anyone leaves the room the scenes they missed will not be recounted to them in anyway (Note: you have to tell them these things or else they’ll talk through the whole movie). Then pick up the remote and find a seat.
If the option is available to you sit in a couch rather than a chair. Couches are more necessary to movie watching than popcorn is and if theaters were smart they would switch from popcorn to couches. While the previews are running you should take the time to get comfortable. Slouch down in the seat and put your feet up on the coffee table but do not put the remote down yet. Only put the remote down after the previews are over and you have pressed the play movie icon on the menu. When you do put down the remote be sure to put it in the most obscure place you can this will ensure that no one can interrupt the movie, not even you. The remote should in fact be in a place that you will not be able to find it again until after the credits have played all the way through and you have been safely returned to the main menu. Enjoy your movie.
Have you started enjoying your movie? If not please take a moment to do so.
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