Project 52 Week 2
For most of 2018 I would get up in the morning and wash my hair so I could wear it down. I know that is bad for my hair and it isn't like it was too short to put in a pony tail, I just wanted to wear my hair down. When I wore my hair up, especially if I was wearing a tank top, I could see how thin my face had become and how pronounced my collarbone was and that was not something that I wanted to show off. I did not look bad, my face was not gaunt, I looked quite nice with my hair up, and that was the problem.
Let me explain.
Over the course of 2018 I lost 30 pounds while on a steady diet of pizza and cheesecake, when I was able to eat anything at all. I was mystery sick and spent weeks barely able to eat a full meal, and I was dropping weight so quickly that I could not buy clothes, they became too big in the course of weeks. I was in pain and unable to eat and terribly unhappy and when I wore my hair up I could see the weight loss and I did not want others to look at me and think, Katie is so thin. Katie looks so good. I wish I was that thin.
I was unhealthy and I did not want people to equate that with beauty or happiness.
Both are fickle things. We look at people who are beautiful and wealthy or glamorous and assume that is what happiness is. "I would just be happy if..." Then we look at the tabloids while standing in line at the grocery store and all of the drama surrounding them doesn't look quite like happiness. We spend thousands on gym memberships, special diets, workout programs, new clothes, better hair styles and colors, all so we can look the right way, but happiness is not found in our outward appearance. Keep in mind, I am not saying that we shouldn't strive to be healthy and that taking care of our bodies won't make us happy. I'm saying that looking a certain way because beautiful people are happy, won;t do the trick.
If that's the case, then what is happiness? Is it contentment? Sitting by the window drinking hot chocolate on a chilly winter morning? Going out dancing with your friends? Knowing you can go on an adventure any time you want without asking permission? What does it actually look like?
I don't know.
I think it looks different, moment by moment, person to person.
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