I’m going to tell you a secret.
Make sure the room is clear, this is not the sort of secret people want you to know. If it gets out, Cosmo, Allure, even Seventeen Magazine, are going to find themselves in a difficult spot. I’m taking a pretty big risk telling you about it. Are you ready?
Flirting is easy.
They don’t want you to know this. How can they sell magazines dedicated to teaching young women the secrets of flirting and how to gain a man’s attention if those young women know it’s actually easy? They want you to think it is a difficult mysterious thing. Well its not. It is really easy and here is the secret as to why; flirting is just using your natural skills and interests to establish yourself as the most charming person in the conversation. That’s all. If you want to flirt with someone all you need to do is walk up up to them and engage them in a battle of charm. Most of you already know how to do that and just did not know that was actually flirting… right? If that is the case you have no need for the rest of this essay and are more than welcome to move on to something else. However, if you are not sure what a battle of charm even is or just want a refresher course, I am going to complicate the matter further.
Start by choosing someone to flirt with. That part is not so easy. Without the ability to read minds it is almost impossible to tell if the cute guy at the other end of the bar is going to be fun or have a really pushy garbage personality. There can be subtle cues, like if he is wearing a shirt with a picture or a sheep dressed up as a wolf and one of your favorite things to call people is a “sheep in wolf’s clothing,” you can probably tell that you will get along for at least the ten minutes it takes to flirt with him.
Once you pick someone you want to flirt with approaching them… well, that part is really hard. Let’s assume that you are out at a party or a group setting of some kind and a handsome stranger has entered your sphere of consciousness. Now you know that the only way to get his attention is to actually go over there and flirt with him. Contrary to popular belief, staring at someone from across the room and hoping they make the first move is not flirting. So you open up your handy flirting guide, this essay, and turn to step one.
Step One: Take a deep breath.
There, that was easy. Breathing is easy. It is the first thing you learn upon entering this world. Every living thing in the world, including humans, breathes. You know what else? He’s breathing too! You are not contemplating going over to the Greek God of Hotness. He’s just a guy who probably gets just as nervous around pretty girls as you are around pretty guys.
While you are breathing you should walk over to him and maybe have something prepared to say. Yes, you will have to actually talk to him, do not panic, you have between five and ten feet to come up with something. That is step two.
Step Two: Engage.
Engage him by greeting him. You cannot skip this step. It is impossible to challenge anyone to a battle of charm with a wall of ice between you, he will not be able to hear you. You are going to have to break through it. You have some options for shattering that barrier. Old standards like “hey I’m (insert name here)” or “how do you know the hosts?” Maybe make a witty observation about the fact that you like his shirt and ask if he considers himself a sheep in wolf’s clothing like the graphic on his t-shirt suggests. You have a lot of choices, and most will get you the desired result. There is, of course, my personal favorite in which you accidentally walk right into their chest, blush, and then shout “you can’t see me, I’m wearing sunglasses,” before running away. I really cannot imagine any reason why I am still single.
Generally speaking, “hi,” followed by a compliment that is not “so I saw you from across the bar,” is enough. The ice is not quite so thick as you believe.
“I don’t know why,” Amanda whispered to me and Emily between songs at chapel, “but I’m just so fascinated by that guy.” She gestured to a tall guy with curly brown hair two rows ahead of us. “I see him all over campus and he just seems so interesting but I have no excuse to ever talk to him.”
“You could always Facebook stalk him,” Emily suggested. “Come up with a list of potential topics and also find out if he’s actually interesting.” What a time we live in. How did people ever find true love before the days of Facebook and Hogwarts Houses?
“I don’t know his name?”
“I can take care of that.” I walked up to him at the end of chapel reaching out and tapping him on the shoulder. This part is so much easier when you are not the one attracted to the guy. For some reason attraction turns everyone into babbling messes which does not seem evolutionarily sound. “Excuse me, I’m so sorry to bother you, but is your name Joe?”
“Um no, I’m…” oddly enough I do not remember his name because from then on I just called him ‘Not Joe.’ Ask Amanda she might remember. “Why?”
“Oh, it’s just that you look just like this guy, Joe, I went to Middle School with. Well, it was nice to meet you Not Joe.”
Can you keep a secret? There is no Joe.
Now that you have broken through the wall of ice, it is time to challenge your opponent.
Step Three: Challenge.
Smiling at a man and introducing yourself is a clear sign that you are challenging him. There’s no need to drop any handkerchiefs or smack him in the face with a pair of gloves. Actually, do not do those things; trust me.
If he accepts, he will face you and engage in either light banter or small talk. You can usually tell if he has chosen to engage in the battle by his proximity. The closer your opponent is to you, the more likely it is that you are flirting. Like I said before, staring at a guy from across the room hoping he makes a move IS NOT flirting.
Step Four: Win.
Once engaged in battle you have to make yourself the most charming person in that conversation while letting him believe the two of you are evenly matched.
...Maybe some of you are confused. It is easy to be charming. You smile and take a genuine interest in the other person, peppering the conversation with well timed compliments and questions, season to taste.
That’s it.
Flirting is easy.
The other weapon in your charm arsenal is touch.
Bridger sat down across the table from me and Emily, setting down his beer with a loud thunk. “So, what are we talking about?”
Emily glanced between me and him. We had been talking about exactly what mature independent young college ladies would be expected to talk about… boys. More specifically we had been watching a woman at the bar flirt with a guy and receive a free drink for her efforts.
“We were just people watching and talking about how we need to learn how to get guys to buy us drinks,” Emily pointed toward the bar.
“I’ll bet there are tutorials on Youtube.” I took a sip of the cider I had obtained using my hard earned cash rather than my feminine wiles.
Bridger smirked. A look I was used to getting from him in our writing classes. It meant I had either said something dumb or something he had never thought of before. Impossible to tell which. “You don’t need Youtube for that. There are just two things you have to do.” Emily and I leaned in as Bridger switched into professor mode. “When a guy approaches you at the bar the first thing you should do is smile and look UP at them, even if you are taller than him.” His gaze flicked to Emily who stood an intimidating 5’9”. “Then, when you respond to something he says, place your hand on his bicep and leave it there, but not for too long.” I counted in my head, gauging how long was too long to leave a hand on a man’s bicep. “Then, the next time you touch him, place your hand on the center of his chest. Touching a man’s chest automatically triggers his instincts to buy you a drink. It’s science.”
I let the thought roll from one side of my brain to the other. “If touching his chest is what triggers the response, why can’t I just jump straight to that while talking to him? It would be faster.”
This time I knew the smirk meant I had said something dumb.
“No… I think you have to do it in order."
“Really,” I reached across the table and put a hand on my friend’s chest just as he picked up his drink. “That’s so interesting."
‘Thunk.’ He set down his drink. “I… I have to buy Katie a drink.”
Bridger may have been wrong. There is no magic button on a man’s chest that triggers his desire to buy you a drink or begin the arduous journey to fall in love with someone but it does do something, which is why it is such a big part of flirting and the part that makes it feel complicated. How long should you let your fingers linger on his bicep? When is too soon to place a hand on his chest and activate those instincts? By the way, that is only a move women can use, for obvious reasons. If you are me, which I am, you just never reach across that barrier and if you do, you do not know why you did it, but if you want to flirt with someone and win, you have to touch the other person at some point. The touch should be casual and if they recoil, you need to back off immediately. That’s it though.
If you can manage those simple steps, you can beat anyone in a battle of charm, which means you can flirt. Just don’t tell Cosmo I told you. I could get in pretty serious trouble.
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