Princess Peach, Snowwhite, Ann Darrow, Mary Jane, Princess Buttercup, and Bella Swan. What do all of these women have in common? They all have dates on Friday night, most of them with a hunky protagonist, some of them with a whiny protagonist. Oh yeah, they are also all prime examples of the Damsel in Distress archetype.
Pop culture would have us believe that the best way to lock down that guy you have been flirting with is to have your life threatened so he can come to your rescue. All of that adrenaline coursing through your body and that flood of endorphins in your brain, anyone could mistake that combination for falling in love. It also helps if your shirt gets strategically ripped or it starts raining in the middle of the rescue. Do not ask me why. The male mind is a strange place; I don’t go there much. Seems like a convoluted plan to me. Where does one even hire a supervillain or a monster? It must work though; even scientific studies cited by totally reliable internet sources claim that if you want to deepen your crush’s feelings for you, you should ask him for help and make him feel like a hero. Have him crush a spider or get something off of a high shelf. It must be something about feeling needed.
I guess it makes sense. I was told once that girls dream about being princesses who marry Prince Charming but boys do not dream about being Prince Charming. Boys dream don’t dream about being princes. They dream about being shepherds who get swept up in epic quests, fight dragons, and save the princess. Just look at the stories they tell, the epic fantasy directed at young men versus the books advertised for young women. Their version does sound more exciting but it does still put me in the awkward position of having to play the princess. The damsel who has to be saved from the beast. A passive character who screams more than she speaks and does not care who comes to rescue her so long as he is handsome. It is a role that I never quite fit in.
Maybe it is because I grew up idolizing Princess Leia, who stood up to Darth Vader and blasted her way through three movies. Maybe it is because I grew up with an older brother and a dad who expected me to compete on the same level as the boys. Whatever the reason, I never saw myself in that role. I wanted to be the princess who fought next to the prince or knight or shepherd… or whoever. I wanted to be a part of the adventure, not the prize at the end of it. It’s why I like the idea of girls who save themselves from the dragon; stories where the prince fights his way to the tower only to find the dragon has already been slain or tamed by the princess who has no interest in returning to her dull life. It is also why I have never been successful in any attempt to “deepen a guy’s feeling for me” by acting helpless. I am more likely to be offered than help than to ask for it, even then I am pretty sure I’ve got it covered but thanks.
“I’m a damsel, I’m in distress, I can handle it. Have a nice day.”
Why should I make myself appear weak and helpless for a guy anyway? The guy who wants that does not want me. Why should any woman make herself helpless? Pop culture may claim that is what men want by saying they are “programmed to chase” and want to feel needed but I cannot force myself to believe that is really what they want. Not when men look at ships, missiles, cars, storms, objects of power and destruction and call them she and say she is beautiful. It is not the shape of the object they see as womanly but the power behind it. Power that cannot be contained and bows before no one. How dare anyone try to take that power away from me?
They do it subtly. First, telling you that strong women are less attractive. That feminists are scary. That not once since 1985 has Mario gotten tired of rescuing Princess Peach from Bowser. That power is taken by the fact that in 2006 when Princess Peach finally got her chance to be the hero and rescue Mario the game was made so easy that players thought they were being spoon fed. It’s done piece by piece until it really does seem like all we were ever meant to be was the damsel waiting in her tower.
I do not want to be the damsel. I do not want to be rescued. I do not want to be the hero either. That relationship is not real and it cannot last. I do not want someone to show up and rescue me so my life can begin. I have no need to be rescued from dragons or men in bars or society’s image of who I should be. I want someone to stand beside me and say “if it is your fight, then it is my fight.”
Where are the romance novels about two people who face life’s challenges together? The couples who take down the villain by trusting each other to know what to do, no need for any rescuing. Those stories should be common, not the outliers because that is what a relationship is meant to be. Two partners, equally yoked, pulling the same direction together. Partners. If one is stronger and always expected to pull harder, they will only go in circles. He will eventually grow tired and frustrated, wondering why he has this partner at all. When the adrenaline from rescuing her wears off where will they be?
No.
No matter what pop culture or the oh-so-reliable internet sources say about what men want, I have no intention of ever playing the role of the Damsel in Distress. That is not the relationship I want, so it is not who I will be.
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